


Good Health &  A Bad Memory

by Nisaki



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Bottom Jared, First Time, Fluff, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Plot Twist, Temporary Amnesia, Top Jensen, happy end, that's all I'm saying because I don't want to spoil anything and it depends on surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-16 14:03:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11830251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nisaki/pseuds/Nisaki
Summary: Jensen wakes up with no memories of the past three years. He doesn't remember his job or password or where he keeps anything. And he doesn't remember his boyfriend; Jared.But maybe there's more to it than memory loss and a car accident. At least his boyfriend is there to help him figure it out...right?





	Good Health &  A Bad Memory

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I didn't find this take on Amnesia fics, but if it were there somewhere send me a link LOL.  
> Special thanks to my wonderful beta, [Soy-em](https://soy-em.tumblr.com/) who turned this junk into something readable. All the remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> Standard disclaimer applies, I do not own or know any of the names mentioned in this fic, all I own is the plot.

 

 

''Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory''  -Albert Schweitzer

 

Harsh white light was the first thing that greeted him when he opened his eyes, causing him to wince and shut them again. He blinked several times, trying to make sense of his surroundings. The place was all white, empty save for the rhythmic, mechanical _peep peep peep_ filling up the space. He discovered that his attempt to look to the side was an unwise decision when something in the back of his head throbbed, sending sharp pain through his entire skull. He barely suppressed a scream, whole body hurting with his jerking movement.

Through the slow pain settling into him, he glanced down at himself; he was dressed in a light blue gown, the material had a papery feeling to it and he was hit by the realization that he was in a hospital.

A few seconds passed and he sensed something off; he had no recognition of being admitted, no memory of how he'd ended up here. Judging by the way his eyes were trying to bulge and escape his skull, and the pain through his leaden limbs, an accident was his best guess.

He couldn't get his voice to work and the button to call for someone was too far away out of his reach. His inability to make sense of what was happening caused his breaths to go faster, and the machine attached to him started peeping quicker. Less than a minute later a doctor and a male nurse were at his side, moving around and checking for what was wrong.

''Don't worry, Mr. Ackles. I got everything under control,'' The doctor's voice was calm, reassuring, and he was looking at him with a somewhat tender smile; something doctors never do with patients. Unless.

''Do I know you?'' Jensen asked, throat scratchy. He didn't recognize his own voice; shaky and weak.

''You don't know who I am?'' The doctor asked, alarmed.

Jensen considered the man for a moment; icy blue eyes, dark hair and white skin. A good looking man in his early forties. He didn't recognize him.

Jensen wanted to shake his head then thought better of it, choosing instead to stare dumbly at the doctor.

''Misha Collins, I've been your private doctor for the past two years,'' The doctor's voice wavered, staring at Jensen for long moment. Jensen broke eye contact with the doctor, as it was making him uncomfortable, opting to look at the nurse. The blond, young man was equally disturbed as the doctor, and the whole thing was rubbing Jensen the wrong way.

''So you don't know me either?'' The nurse asked, Chad M. Murray as his name tag read.

Jensen was getting irritated by the situation and he snapped ''Should I?'' at the nurse who jerked back in surprise.

''Man!'' Chad exclaimed ''Jared is gonna _freak_.''

''Who's Jared?'' At the blank expression he got from Chad he turned his eyes to his doctor, as if asking him instead. Doctor Collins shrugged his shoulders, a terribly unprofessional gesture that didn't suit a doctor. Jensen scowled, opened his mouth to let them know how he felt about this particular way of treatment.

''What's the last thing you remember?'' Collins interrupted.

''Last night, the party from my company. I inherited it after the death of my parents last month, and the employees...'' He trailed off as he saw Collins' face contract into a worried countenance.

''Mr. Ackles. Your parents died over three years ago.''

Silence.

Jensen frowned, drawing only blank pages when he tried to remember what had happened to him, how he got here. Nothing came to him. The doctor was talking to him but he couldn't hear, hands on Jensen's shoulders as he leaned in closer while the nurse was injecting him with something, and slowly everything faded away into darkness.

                                                                     

Misha paced outside of Jensen's room, back and forth, back and forth till his leg muscles felt like they were about to fall off. He wasn't close enough to Jensen to know anything significant  about his private life, but what he knew about Jensen was only making his task seem harder. The young, but successful, CEO was known to be cruel and ruthless, and worst of all friendless. His emergency contact was his secretary, who coolly informed Misha that she’d send all of Jensen’s medical records to him and politely asked him to give her his email. He hadn't expected her to freak out, but he didn't foresee her being as cold as she had been. The detached manner in which she handled the situation proved the rumors about Jensen, being hated by everyone who knew him, to be true.

How was he supposed to perform a memory test for Jensen if he didn't know any personal details to ask about?

He sighed and shook his head, recalling the CT-Scan results. It didn't have anything that posed a danger on Jensen but the images had shown damage that was likely the cause of Jensen's memory loss. Misha rubbed at his forehead, frustrated; and then he called for the nurse he least liked to deal with. Chad.

''Yes, Doc?'' Chad asked cheerfully, when Misha called him to Jensen's room. They didn't enter; choosing to converse in the lobby.

''You acted as though you knew Mr. Ackles earlier, what is your relationship with him?''

''He doesn't like me all that much,'' Chan replied, and knowing the nurse, Misha couldn't really blame Jensen. No one liked Chad, no one had the ability to endure him.

''He's my best friend's boyfriend...Maybe,'' He shrugged nonchalantly, Misha felt a headache coming.

''What do you mean _maybe_?'' His tone was getting a little impatient.

''They had a fight, two days or so before the accident, Jared was pissed. I tried to call him but his phone is turned off. He forgets to charge it sometimes, or forgets to turn it back on after lectures.''

Misha nodded. No wonder the man was angry at Jensen, what kind of a person listed his secretary as an emergency contact when he had a boyfriend?

''And you think he'll come see Mr. Ackles?''

''He loves Jensen so the most likely answer is yes, but..'' Chad trailed off.

''What?''

''Well, I'm not aware of the details of their supposed break up so...''

''I see,' was Misha's answer. They stood in front of Jensen's room for a while, and then Misha nodded his head, resolved. ''Call him. Even if he didn't want to get back to Jensen, we need him for some questions.''

''Sure thing, Doc.'' Chad sang. ''Hey, you said he lost his memory, is there a chance of him getting it back?''

''The amnesia was a result of the head trauma, not the shock from the accident. It's not psychological,'' Misha explained.

''And that's the long way to say no, he's not getting his memories back.'' Misha nodded again, furrowing his brows at the almost relieved smile Chad wore as he went on, ''If Jared refused to come, can we not tell Jensen about him? No need to add to the man's loss, and this way they can both get a clean slate.''

Misha considered it for a while and then gave his approval. Chad's grin widened and then he pulled out his phone, cursing when his friend didn't answer.

''I'll go see him in person, it's my lunch break, anyway. I'm either bringing him here, or driving him to Jensen's house so he can pack his stuff.'' The nurse then stuffed his hands into his scrub pockets and strolled down the hallway. Misha turned around to look at Jensen's door, the poor man might've lost his boyfriend, and he didn't even know it. In Misha's opinion, Jared sounded like an asshole, who dumped his lover at a time like this? But then again, it wasn't Misha's place to judge, he didn't know either of them.

He squared his shoulders and called for another nurse, they needed to move Jensen out of the ICU.

  

When Jensen woke up again, it was to the muffled voices of what sounded like an argument outside his door. He couldn't make out what was being said but he suspected one of the voices was the nurse who was with him in the morning.

Jensen tried to sit up, and only managed a pathetic motion that jolted his battered body. He realized that he wasn't in the same place he was in earlier, for one; he wasn't attached to a heart monitor anymore, and this room was more spacious than the previous one.

His right arm was hooked to an IV line, and on the same side, an uncomfortable looking plastic chair sat unoccupied. There was a window that informed him of the nightfall, and a small door, which he assumed led to a bathroom. The left side by his bed was taken up by a small nightstand, and someone had placed fresh flowers for him there, alongside a jug of water and a glass.

The conversation outside died and as the door handle turned, Jensen felt like the time slowed down, his heart beats were loud in his ears but they weren't fast. He was scared; scared of meeting whoever was behind the door and not recognizing him. If what happened this morning -hell he wasn't even sure if it was _this_ morning- had been true, then he most likely had something wrong with him.

The door opened, and in walked a skinny boy with exhaustion etched into every feature of his face, shoulders slumped down. He looked like a deer caught in a trap when he locked eyes with Jensen, as if he had no clue how to act.

He was unbelievably beautiful, so young, and Jensen had no idea who he was. Long lashes fluttered, fox-like eyes shutting for a brief second before opening again, the boy was frozen in spot. Jensen searched his mind for anything, desperately trying to recall anything that might connect him to the angel standing at the foot of his bed. He came out empty handed.  Even logic didn't help him, he was at least ten years older than the boy, what business could he possibly have with him?

''Ehhh...'' Jensen started, lamely. But that was enough to snap the boy out of his haze.

''Jensen,'' He wheezed, then he marched the rest of the space between them, carelessly throwing himself at Jensen.

''Jensen!'' Jensen grunted under the boy's weight, in a normal condition Jensen wouldn't have a problem supporting the skinny boy, but his whole body was aching.

''I'm sorry!'' The boy jerked back, cheeks burning up with embarrassment. Jensen found his lips curving at the enduring boy, who smiled back at him shyly. Jensen swallowed, time to bite the bullet.

''Who are you?''

The boy paled, blinking at Jensen several times. He stared and stared then shook his head, he took in a shuddering breath; trying to compose himself, and failed miserably. He was trembling like a leaf as if scared for his life, hesitating on the words every time his lips parted to let them out. His pink lips were temptingly soft, and Jensen forced the absurd notion away.

''Jared,'' The boy finally said. Jensen’s mind went briefly to the first time he woke up in the hospital, the nurse- Chad- had mentioned someone named Jared. _Jared is gonna freak_.

Jensen harrumphed eloquently, reminding himself that he shouldn't snap at the boy, because _hello who the fuck is Jared?_

''I'm your boyfriend...''

Boyfriend.

_Boyfriend._

Jensen had a _fucking boyfriend_ , and he completely forgot about the guy. _Must be true love_ , his mind supplied sarcastically.

''Listen, Jared...'' He had no idea what he was supposed to say. What would he tell the stranger at his hospital bed who said he was his boyfriend? Yeah, no. Nothing came to mind.

Luckily, the door to the room opened, and the doctor from this morning entered. He gave Jensen a smile and stood beside his bed

''How are you feeling now, Mr. Ackles?''

''Aces,'' Jensen grimaced, his head wasn't aching like it was when he first woke up, and despite the discomfort of the bandage around his head and whatever the fuck was plastered on his cheek, he was mostly okay.

''Mr. Ackles, you have been in a car accident around this time yesterday. Do you remember anything?'' The doctor asked.

''No.''

The doctor nodded and explained to Jensen how he got here, his current condition regarding physical injury and his amnesia.

''We can't know for sure how bad it is,'' Doctor Collins informed him apologetically. ''I need you to answer some questions for me. Are you up for it?''

''Sure.''

The doctor started asking him what Jensen considered to be bullshit questions, his full name, his current address, his occupation. He was also asked to repeat some weird ass sentences, Jensen answered and the doctor nodded at him.

''What year are we in?''

Jensen glared, ''2014, I believe it's near the end of June.'' Beside him, Jared gasped. The doctor nodded once more, and then glanced at Jared, who pushed his chair closer to Jensen's bed and gently held his right hand. Jensen fought the impulse to jerk his hand back.

''Jen,'' Jared started, and Jensen quelled the urge to snap _don't call me that_ at the boy. ''We're in April, 2017.''

He knew already, but the confirmation of it was too real for him to comprehend.

Jensen sat emotionless through another agonizing half an hour of questions - during which Jared had held his hand dutifully -  the doctor declared that Jensen had lost near three years worth of memories. He had no recognition of his years as a CEO, no memories of his secretary, or his so-called private doctor. And of course, he didn't remember anything about Jared. The doctor then turned to Jared and explained to him what Jensen needed in the upcoming days. He told them, with a somewhat genuine regret, that Jensen was not going to get his memory back.

''We'll see if you can eat so we can remove the IV. We'll keep you overnight to monitor your vitals, if all is well, you'll be able to go home tomorrow,''

Doctor Collins babbled some more about when to remove the stitches on the back of his head, but Jensen toned him out, focusing entirely on Jared's hand over his. Now that he was  past the newness of it, the gesture was kind of comforting. Jared was listening to the doctor like his own life depended on it, nodding and asking questions about details. Jensen took solace in the fact that he had great taste; Jared was the most gorgeous thing he'd ever seen.

                                                   

''So,'' Jensen began ''Jared, you mostly know everything about me?'' Jared nodded and he went on ''I don't... Were we close?''

Jared bobbed his head up and down. ''We live together,'' he told Jensen in a small voice, ''I moved in six months ago.''

Jensen swallowed, afraid to ask. He recalled himself as an asshole, and mostly there was something wrong with his and Jared's relationship. For one, Jared was too young for him and second...The emergency contact thing. Something smelled.

''If we're that close why weren't you my emergency contact? The secretary couldn't have been a better choice, right?'' He found his tone almost pleading at the end of his question, what he remembered about himself wasn't helping him any, and he knew no one who gave a crap about him after his parents' death. Whatever he had with Jared, he hoped to God it wasn't some sugar daddy kind of thing.

''I had no idea you changed it till Chad told me this morning,'' Jensen arched a brow and Jared shifted in his chair, looking for all the world like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

''We had a fight two days ago, and I left the house. Spent the night at Sandy's, I didn't know you were that angry. I mean we have fights all the time and I thought...'' Jared stopped talking suddenly, taking deep calming breaths.

''What was it about?'' Jensen asked, smiling encouragingly at Jared, whatever it was it seemed like a big deal.

''It was about my work again,'' At the blank look on Jensen face, Jared sighed, resigning himself to telling Jensen everything that he should know.

''I'm an art student, in my second year. My scholarship pays for the classes and nothing else, anything I need I have to buy myself. You know...eh knew...Anyway, my parents kicked me out when I was eighteen, the gay thing, so I was on my own. I worked in the coffee shop near my campus, the one you used to hate on and call a shithole?'' Jared's tone was light at the end, almost hopeful. Maybe he expected Jensen to just magically remember everything. Jensen shook his head and Jared's shoulder slumped, but he went on:

''After I started dating you, the argument of you trying to pay for everything was a recurrent one between us, and moving in with you was kind of compromising you know? I refused to quit and depend on you completely, but last week...I was fired.''

Jensen felt a flare of anger in his chest, something almost protective bursting inside of him; he wanted to personally punch whoever caused Jared to sound this distressed. _Huh_.

''You were such an asshole about it,'' Jared stated, annoyance coloring his voice as he recalled what must be Jensen's words at that moment, ''I was upset and you, you literally said, “Good'' and nothing else. It escalated from there and I left, you were mad. But,'' Jared lifted his head, looking into Jensen's eyes directly for the first time since he started talking.

''I didn't expect you to change the emergency contact...Were you... Did you want to break up with me?'' Jared looked so pained, so insecure in that moment that Jensen wanted to go back in time and smack himself. Doing something stupid in a spurt of anger sounded just like him.

''I...ehh,'' he stuttered, he didn't think he was actually planning on leaving Jared. Hell, he'd just met him and he was feeling things he never felt before -never remembered feeling anyway- if his feelings for this boy used to be anything close to the lump in his throat now. Given the overwhelming desire to hold Jared and comfort him,  there was no way in hell he was planning on breaking up with Jared.

''I don't think so, Jared.'' At the hopeful look on the boy’s face, Jensen grinned, ''I was probably just being a dickhead, I do that...Far as I know,''

Jared sniffled and Jensen melted. ''Hey now, don't do that,'' he chided gently. If Jared cried now he wouldn't know what to do.

''I'm so sorry, Jensen. I'm so, _so_ sorry.'' And Jared's tears were flowing now ''I'm really sorry,'' he hiccupped and his shoulders shook. Jensen felt like this was more Jared reacting to almost losing him than to their forgotten fight.

''Hey, Jared.'' He called, wet eyes met him from behind unruly chestnut bangs, and he smiled, opening his arms for the boy. Jared's eyes widened as if he couldn't believe Jensen was letting him in this soon, and maybe Jensen shouldn't but fuck if he cared.

Jared climbed into the bed and folded his skinny frame on Jensen's chest, sobbing uncontrollably, letting out muffled apologies into Jensen's clothes.

''It's okay, Jared,'' He whispered into the boy's hair ''We'll be alright, you'll see.''      

 

                                                      

Heading back into his home was more awkward than Jensen had anticipated, he didn't know what to expect and had no idea where anything was. According to his memory; he had spent only two weeks in the spacious apartment, so had no idea how it looked now. Jared reassured him a hundred times that he needn't worry, that everything was under control. Jensen being the control freak he remembered himself as, remained tense and untrusting the whole way.

They had released him in the morning, Jared making sure to take his prescription and write down everything the doctor said. Jensen was scheduled for another checkup a week later, on the same day he was to get rid of the sutures in his head.

Chad drove them back to Jensen's place, chatting about crap that Jensen had zero interest in. He sat in the back and Jared insisted on sitting beside him, and as Chad chattered away, Jensen whispered his mockery into Jared's ear, both laughing.

''I have a feeling I didn't like him,'' Jensen told Jared, conspiratorially. Jared giggled, and smacked Jensen lightly on the arm.

When they arrived, Jensen allowed Jared to do everything, lead him up the building and opening the door, and Jensen was surprised to see that everything looked the same as he remembered it. The fact was both comforting and concerning, on one hand; it looked familiar and he was already relaxing. And on the other; how sad was he that nothing about him changed in the span of three years?

''Something wrong?'' Jared asked, worry evident in his tone.

''Everything is wrong,'' Jensen hissed.

''Jensen, this is how the place had looked like since forever.''

''Exactly! Why hasn't anything changed? I lost three years, this place should be unrecognizable to me!''

Jared studied him for a long while then ushered him inside, and Jensen followed him into what he knew was the master bedroom. His hopes were crushed further when he noticed that even his bed was the same one, only the sheets were different. He felt like he would cry in frustration, till Jared pulled the closet open.

More than half the space inside was occupied by elegant suits, and expensive jackets and jeans. But to the right, worn out shirts and washed out jeans were hung like they were meant to be hidden. Jensen felt his chest filling, suddenly his heart was too big to fit inside, he looked at Jared and smiled. The only life in this house.

Jared showed him everything that was them instead of only Jensen, two toothbrushes instead of one, ridiculous amounts of hair products that Jensen knew didn't belong to him, Jared's picture on Jensen's desk in his office, Jared's CDs and books on the shelves that Jensen failed to notice at first inspection. Each sign of Jared made him happier. Hopeful that maybe he wasn't in this alone, maybe in those years he'd lost he had something worth mourning the loss of, not just routine and days upon days of repetition.  

They settled down quickly, Jared made them lunch at some point and now they were sitting in front of the big TV in Jensen's living room. Watching a silly movie that Jensen couldn't for the life of him understand, he was too distracted staring at Jared like a creep to follow the movie's plot. His boyfriend seemed very engaged though, so Jensen sat still.

His boyfriend. Jensen smiled.     

                                                                  

Jensen spent the next week playing catch up, after hiring a professional hacker to open his emails and his laptop because Jared only knew the password for his phone. He re-studied deals he made when he was a CEO, read the files of his employees, skimmed over their condition in the market. He rarely ever left his office, save for the times when he needed to eat.

He knew he was hiding but he couldn't help it.

He was due back to work in two days, and even though he was damn sure he could do everything required of him as a CEO, he didn't trust himself as a person, he remembered himself from another time, but what was he like the last time he was in the company office? How did he deal with his employees?

He threw the papers in his hand over the desk. Sleep was starting to creep into his eyes, causing his lids to grow heavy, but he knew he wouldn't be getting a restful night. Too many queries in his head were sure to keep him up till morning.  Jensen sighed, resting his cheek on the hard wood of his desk. He caught sight of Jared's picture that he had there and couldn't fight the smile that formed on his lips.

Despite the overall weirdness of it, Jared had stuck with him even though he had every excuse to leave, some people would say that he was hurt more than Jensen in this. After all, Jensen wasn't the one living with a lover who didn't remember anything about him.

He felt guilty, and it was another reason for him to seek sanctuary in this office. He couldn't bring himself to face Jared. The young man didn't push him, left Jensen to his business and only barged in when it was time for food or for Jensen to take his pain killers.

Jensen was already falling for him again, and the thought kept nagging at him because something wasn't right, or maybe he was missing something.

Jared, with all his attentiveness and care, didn't treat Jensen like a lover, closer to a good friend that was there just to take care of him. Jensen didn't know if it was because Jared didn't want to pressure him or if they weren't the touchy feely kind of boyfriends. Jared didn't even sit close to him, always keeping that space that no two involved in a serious relationship had between them. It frightened Jensen, he'd never been in a relationship before, what he knew is fumbling in dark bars, and quick stranger fucks that he didn't remember even when he had his memory intact.

How was he with Jared? Did he treat him well? Make him laugh? Take care of him? Or was he a bad boyfriend who ignored Jared for work and left him to clean and cook like a wife from the sixties?

Was he in love with Jared? Could he forget love?

There was the other matter of pictures, he knew he wasn't big on keeping mementos and albums, but he and Jared had no pictures together. Ever. Was that normal in any relationship?

He was lost.

                                                         

After the removal of his stitches, Jensen was somehow settled, feeling like today was a good day. He would have to work tomorrow, but he didn't want to think about it. He left the hospital in a light mood and got into his car. On a whim, he decided to go pick Jared up from his campus. All the while wondering if he ever did this kind of thing before.

Jensen stood out like a sore thumb, he was the only thirty-five year-old who wasn't a lecturer. He was getting stared at like some kind of anomaly, but he resisted the urge to bolt and never look back. He got his answer, at least. He'd never come here before; someone would've recognized him as Jared's boyfriend if he had.

Jared was talking with one of his friends, a carefree smile on his face and his hair shining under the sun. He threw his head back, laughing at something his friend said and Jensen's heart skipped a beat. That gorgeous boy was his.

He was shocked at the thought, he never thought that he would be the possessive type. Sure he’d hated to share his toys when he was little but he'd never thought of another _human being_ as _his_. He didn't know if it was there all the while or if it's something he was only now feeling.

Once he noticed Jensen, Jared walked towards him, his smile turning unsure as he stood in front of him. Jensen stared at the two feet between them, at the awkward stance Jared assumed. It wasn't how people reacted to their boyfriend's surprise visit at their college no matter how Jensen looked at it.

''Jensen, hi.'' Jared waved, and Jensen hesitated for a moment. Building his resolve, he stepped closer and pulled Jared into a brief hug. The fact that Jared actually flinched at the act had Jensen's heart in his throat.

What kind of a relationship did they have?

''Jared?''

''Sorry,'' Jared smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes ''Not used to you hugging me...In front of people,'' The last bit was added only after Jensen's incredulous expression.

So he hadn't been affectionate with Jared, these weren't exactly news, maybe all he wanted was sex, he was that kind of person. But he didn't want to be anymore, and what if Jared was skittish at first? He'd get used to it, Jensen would treat him right. He boldly took Jared's hand in his, smiling at his boyfriend as he led them back to the car.

''How about we eat out tonight?'' Jensen started, the engine of the car roaring to life.

''Ehh. If you want to,''

''No, Jared. If _you_ want to, I'm asking you,''

Jared fidgeted, eyes darting around, ''Don't you like my cooking?'' His voice was meek, apologetic, and Jensen felt his heart break. He was starting to think that he was abusive.

''I do, Jared. Your cooking is wonderful, I just thought we'd spend some time out.'' Jared nodded mutely.

''Didn't I like your cooking before?'' Jensen risked a glance at Jared, who looked beyond uncomfortable, sitting there in the passenger seat. Even with how spacious Jensen's car was, Jared's long legs were folded.  Jared's answer took too long.

''You did, I just wasn't sure about now. You used to complement it more, you don't say anything now.''

''You enjoy making food, don't you?'' Out of the peripheral of his vision, he saw Jared's barely-there nod.

''That settles it then!'' Jensen announced cheerfully, and turned the car in another direction.

''Where are we going?''

''You'll see.''

A little over ten minutes later, Jensen parked the car in front of a supermarket, announcing that if Jared wanted to cook, they should get some groceries. Jensen knew for a fact that he didn't do grocery shopping, the astonished look on Jared's face all the confirmation he needed. But he didn't care, he didn't remember, and maybe it's a chance for him to get a new life. Be better.

They wasted most of the afternoon goofing around the market, buying tons of things that had nothing to do with their meal choice, all the while laughing and being all over embarrassing. Jensen learned that Jared was a sweets lover, and even though anything with too much sugar made him nauseous, Jensen bought too many desserts and gummy worms that day. The smile Jared gave him when they headed home was enough to make him plan on buying even more.

They ate the meal Jared prepared surrounded by a companionable silence, broken only by Jensen showering Jared with praise every two bites or so. The young man blushed and stuttered, avoiding eye contact and Jensen felt his heart swelling. Jared was simply adorable; no wonder Jensen had fallen for him before.

They moved to the living room later, it was still early but both of them felt lazy, so they put a movie on and settled on the big couch. At some point, Jensen discarded following the plot in favor of staring at Jared. He realized it was creepy, but he couldn't help it; his eyes refused to see anything but Jared, and he wondered not for the first time, what was Jared doing with him?

They lived in different circles, with fifteen years age gap between them, how did they get to know each other?

''Is my face really more interesting than the movie?'' Jared's eyes didn't leave the screen, he must've felt Jensen staring. Again.

''How did we meet?'' Jensen blurted, unable to keep the thought to himself. Jared's carefree expression slipped, turning into something almost pained, and Jensen wanted to smack himself, but he couldn't take the question back. He wanted to know.

''I'm sorry,'' He studied Jared's face for a second then went on, ''I know it must be hard, for you to tell me this like I'm a stranger.'' Jared seemed to close in on himself at the words. ''But for me, I only knew you for a week, I want to know more. Even if I can't remember, please.''

Jared nodded, inhaled, ''We met in the cafe where I used to work. It obviously wasn't your kinda place to frequent, but it was raining, and your car broke.'' He laughed a little ''You were so grumpy, asked for coffee _''Strong. Black, no sugar, no cream''_ I hated you on the spot.'' Jensen chuckled.

''So how did we end up together?''

''I was going to that part,'' Jared chided. ''When I got you your order, you looked at me for the first time. It was weird, but you smiled, you asked me what a fine man like me was doing in a place like that.'' They both crackled at this, Jensen must've been absolutely taken by Jared because no way in hell did he use a lame line like that.

''I just left your coffee there and wished you a good day, mostly ignored you after that. You left a ridiculous tip too, like 80 bucks.''

Jensen laughed, that sounded like him. He was such a douche.

''I tried to return it, but when I got outside you weren't there. I never thought I would see you again, but you continued to show up. Twice a week, sometimes more. You wouldn't give your order till I was the one taking it, eventually we started to get along, even laughing together.  After three months or so, sometime around January, it was freezing cold. You asked me to sit down and drink coffee with you, when I told you I had work to do, you said that you were sure my manager wouldn't mind. I knew you meant because of how rich of a customer you were, I got angry and left.'' Jared stopped, a smile appearing on his lips, he leaned his head on the back of the couch, eyes closed as if he was going back in time to that day.

''You caught my wrist and said _''I'm sorry I don't know how this works, but I'll try harder, I promise. Just give me a chance''_ and in my mind, I was already letting you down but what I said was _''my shift ends in two hours, maybe if you're there by then,''_ '' He turned his eyes to Jensen, his hair falling in them, ''You smiled so wide, like I gave you everything you ever wished for.''

''It probably was everything I wished for,'' Jensen whispered, he didn't know why he chose to speak softly, but something about the moment felt tender, frail; Jensen didn't want to break it with loud words. He took the same position as Jared, facing him with one cheek on the back of the couch, and they stared at each other for a while, moving closer without meaning to till they shared the same air.

''Jensen,'' Jared breathed.

''Yes?''

''Kiss me?''

Jared's voice was shaky, eyes threatening to flood as they locked with Jensen's. He couldn't say no to that if it killed him, and he didn't want to.

He pulled Jared to him slowly, lips meeting for the first time in Jensen's new world, maybe for the millionth time in Jared's. In that moment Jensen didn't want to reflect about it. Jared's mouth opened under his, welcoming him, tasting sweet and warm. Jensen was addicted to the way their tongues moved together, to the feeling of Jared's silky strands around his fingers, to the heat his body was emitting. Jared was warming him from the inside, calling to his very soul, and it was a shame that he’d lost other kisses that felt like this.

Jensen backed away when he sensed the wetness on his hand where it cupped Jared's jaw.

''Jared? What's wrong?''

Tears were flowing freely, Jared’s eyes looked impossibly blue as they rained down on his cheeks. His lashes, thickened with salty drops, fluttered as Jared tried in vain to stop.

''Jared...'' Jensen was lost, each tear like acid on his thumbs as he wiped them away, his heart breaking with every laboured breath Jared took.

''Jensen,'' Jared hiccupped ''Jensen, I'm so sorry,'' And Jensen knew that he was the cause of these tears, Jared was sorry for all their lost memories, sorry that Jensen didn't already know the taste of this kiss. He gathered Jared into his arms, dragging one of Jared's legs over his so he was straddling his lap; Jared's arms looped around his neck, tucking his head into Jensen's shoulder and drowning it with his sadness.

''Jay, I'm sorry I don't remember. I'm sorry I asked this of you,'' Jared shook in his arms and he held him tighter ''Baby, please don't cry, please?''

''You don't call me _baby,_ Jensen.'' Was what he got from Jared, the words muffled in his shoulder.

Surprised at the unexpected comment he asked: ''What do I call you then?''

''Sweetheart,'' Jared lifted his head to look at Jensen, lashes wet and cheeks flushed, sniffling with the effort to stop crying. Nothing was more beautiful.

''Sweetheart,'' Jensen repeated. ''Please don't cry, sweetheart.'' Jared's bangs moved up and down as he nodded, gifting Jensen with a hesitant smile as his tears slid down his cheeks. Jensen kissed him then, tasting salt and their previous kiss, and lost time and the promise of a better future. He kissed him with the intent of making it up, creating more radiant memories that nothing could erase.

Their mouths fell open, jaws dropping to allow their tongues to tangle, the mix of their saliva was inebriating, going to Jensen's head faster than whisky. He once again curled his fingers in Jared's hair, tugging harshly. Jared denied him nothing, arched back with the motion of Jensen's hand. His easy compliance  was driving Jensen nearly insane, lust pumping through his veins and burning along his skin.

He flipped them over, pressing Jared into the couch. Jared moaned, sound broken and desperate, perfectly mirroring the need mounting inside of Jensen. His legs spread, one of them falling off of the couch, allowing Jensen to slot between them easily. Jensen pulled harder on Jared's hair, kissing more violently and Jared gave it all up, whimpering under him.

He was deliciously submissive, offering himself to Jensen completely, and Jensen felt the desire to _own_ bursting in him. One of his hands sneaked down, caressing over Jared's thigh, hooking under his knee and lifting. Instead of on the floor, Jensen positioned it over his hip, giving himself more space to thrust down. Their heated cocks cramped together and their lips separated with an obscene smacking sound.  Jensen dragged his lips down and bit on Jared's tempting Adam's apple, sucking at it till he knew there would be a bruise. He kissed and licked and left marks, Jared craning his neck farther back, surrendering to Jensen.

It grew hotter and hotter, their breaths turned into hasty gasps as Jensen continued to thrust down, groaning with pleasure, losing control with every push, every kiss. Jared's smell surrounding him and pushing him closer to the edge, he didn't remember being this overwhelmed by anyone, never so lustful and heated and fucking starving for it. He never wanted like this before. He didn't remember.

''Jensen!''

Jensen felt the heat of Jared's come between them, and he couldn't hold on any longer; burying his face in Jared's hair, he came too. Breathing in like the only air that could keep him alive was the one with Jared's odor. He was so screwed already, and he didn't give a damn.

He looked down between them and grimaced, ''This is embarrassing, we're both fully clothed,'' Jensen grumbled.

Jared threw his head back and laughed ''I won't tell if you don't,'' The smile on his face was too tempting to resist, Jensen pressed it to his mouth, tracing its shape with his tongue. He had so many kisses to make up for.

''We should shower,'' he slurred against Jared's lips.

''Mmmhmm,'' Jared's answer was muffled by the kisses they refused to stop.

Jensen stood up abruptly, and pulled Jared up into his arms, walking to the shower amidst lazy kisses and laughter. When they went to bed that night, neither stayed on his side; instead, they fell asleep tangled together, Jared's back to Jensen's chest.  

                                                                   

The first thing he did when he woke up was look at the calendar and take in where he was. He guessed that checking time and place would be hard to shake off. He turned his head to the side, smiling when he saw Jared curled up next to him. One of Jared's arms was draped over his waist, Jared's nose buried in his throat, his warmth enveloping Jensen.

This is what a good morning was all about.

Careful not wake Jared up, he cautiously extracted himself from under the covers. Looking back at his boyfriend's sleeping form, he let out a sigh.

Jensen moved around silently, starting the coffee machine and working on breakfast.Fighting the urge to whistle or hum one of his favourite songs; he wanted Jared to wake up at his own pace.

Half an hour later, Jared padded into the kitchen, hair adorably messed up and flying everywhere; he was still in his PJs and to complete his cute spell he was rubbing one of his eyes with his giant hand curled into fist. Jensen couldn't stop smiling if he tried.

''You're wearing a suit,'' was the first thing Jared said.

Jensen smiled even wider as he poured steaming coffee into two mugs, ''I'm heading to the office today.'' He started humming, Jared sat down and leaned his elbows on the table.

''What'ya making?'' He yawned around the words, Jensen chuckled.

''Just omelet, nothing fancy like the stuff you cook,'' He placed the dishes on the table, and took a seat in front of Jared. ''I buttered some toast, I know you love those.''

''Mmmm,'' Jared nearly moaned at the taste of his coffee, ''You added tons of sugar for me! Mr. Ackles are you trying to get lucky?''

''I wish, but I'm in danger of running late.'' He shoved half of his food into his mouth hurriedly, somehow managing not to ruin his attire. ''Off I go!'' He called as he made his way to the door.

''Jensen, wait!''

Soon as he turned, Jared's arms looped around his neck. Soft lips meeting his in a manner that filled him up more than his breakfast, he hummed against Jared's mouth, keeping the kiss sweet and brief. If it got any longer, he won't be able to leave.

''Be back for dinner?'' Jared breathed against his lips, and Jensen nodded, circling Jared's waist with his arms and pulling him into another languid, coffee tasting kiss.

''Have a good day.''

                                                                               

He entered his workplace with Jared's words echoing through his mind.

 _You were patient, you understood, they all love you_.

He didn't remember, so he was going to go with that description, he didn't want to let Jared down.

_You were- are- the sweetest, Jensen._

He derived courage and comfort from these words, a strength to face whatever his work was going to throw at him. Confidence.

''Good morning,'' He greeted his secretary, who looked so spooked to see him. Strange, he was sure they knew he was coming back today.

''Mr. Ackles! Welcome back.'' He smiled at her and she blushed, eyes widening at him, ''I'm sorry! I didn't get your coffee yet, you're a bit early and I do   ''

''    Danneel, Breathe. It's cool, I took my coffee at home,'' She still looked agitated, he arched his brow at her.

''Mr. Kane wants to reschedule,''

''To when?''

''He says he won't make it at 9, asked me to push your meeting to 11.''

He wasn't free at eleven and they both knew that, Jensen gave it a moment's thought. ''Call Jeffery and see if he can be here at 9 am, there's still time to make it. If not, tell him I'll see him at 4 pm, and bring me the files I needed to see now.'' It was barely over eight, so it might work out. She nodded and he headed to the office ''Oh!'' He called, and she stood ''Call me Jensen, Mr. Ackles makes me feel old.''

She blinked owlishly at him, and then nodded slowly. He got to his office and started working. He already missed Jared.

The day stretched longer than he thought, Jeffery had plans and so their meeting was pushed later into the evening. Jensen felt the urge to scream it out on his secretary, but he knew it wasn't her fault, neither was it Kane's. The bastard's car broke, and even though Jensen kept calling him names in his head, he understood that he couldn't fire the man for that. He kind of wanted to.

At the lunch break, he invited Danneel to join him and she looked so baffled at the concept she stared at him for a whole minute before she replied that she couldn't leave the office, and she had to finish these papers today.

''If you're not going out to eat, then I'm getting you something,'' She opened her mouth, to protest no doubt, but he lifted his hand to stop her. ''That's final, tell me what you want.''

She sputtered and looked around, ''I eat sweets for lunch.'' Her cheeks went red at her admission, but he only smiled.

''Chocolate cake?'' He asked, tone teasing. She laughed and gave up, agreeing to him buying her some.

When he got out he heard the confused whisper of one of his employees talking to Danneel ''What's gotten into him?''

Maybe he didn't buy his secretary lunch before. No matter, she worked hard all day and deserved a treat. It was bad enough that she was stuck at her desk, the least he could do was bring her something to eat.

                                                         

 _''Jensen, hi!''_ Jared's cheerful voice answered his call.

''Hey sweetheart, how was your day?'' He smiled as he imagined Jared, no doubt blushing prettily at the pet name.

 _''You're late,''_ Jared said in lieu of an answer.

''I know, I'm sorry. It's been a disaster today. Everybody rescheduled, I wanted to kill them.''

_''But you didn't?''_

The hesitant way Jared asked that had Jensen booming with laughter, ''And what, I'm calling you from prison now?'' He listened to the beautiful sound of Jared's chuckles and felt the exhaustion of the day ebbing out of his shoulders.

''Miss you,'' he whispered, feeling silly and clichéd. He shouldn't be doing this at work, talking to a guy who was fifteen years younger, and whom he saw less than twelve hours ago. It didn't stop the words from being true.

He heard some shuffling in the background, and then Jared's small _''Me too,''_ sent his heart into a frenzy. It was only eight days with Jared, and he was so gone for the kid he might as well buy a ring.

Fuck.

''I gotta go back to work, don't wait up. Might be long.''

 _''Of course I'll wait up, I didn't eat yet,''_ Jared was pouting, that much was obvious from his tone.

''Sweetheart, it's nearing 8 pm, and you have classes in the morning,'' he tried to reason, Jared huffed at the other side and Jensen smiled. He'd found Jared's weakness.

''Sweetheart?''

_''Yes yes, I'll eat and sleep. Happy?''_

''Very. Take care.'' At Jared's _''You too,''_ he cut the line, feeling all the more like a sucker for the fact that he didn't want to. How he managed to do any work in the past year and a half  was a mystery to him.

Danneel brought him more files to look over, and his musings were cut short. He didn't think he could live like this every day.

                                                                

The days came and went, each one of them bringing Jensen closer to Jared. He grew addicted to him, to the way sunlight reflected off of his hair, to the galaxies and sunsets in his ever changing eyes. No bad day could stand against the power of a dimpled smile, or heartfelt laughter.

One month was all it took, and Jensen was so dependent on Jared he couldn't imagine taking the next breath without him.

He woke up every day to Jared's weight sprawled on top of him, to his sweet fragrance, and body heat. He left with the taste of their kisses on his tongue, with Jared's ''Take care'' in his ears. It was simply amazing; the true bliss of domestic life.

Jensen smiled as he waited for Jared, leaning against his car. Some of Jared's friends recognized him, nodding to him; some even waved. Sandy came over and chatted with him, he was finding her company pleasant. Unlike Chad, whom he couldn't tolerate, Sandy was easy to talk to, giving him a feeling of familiarity.

''Jensen!'' The excited call of his name had him snapping his head around to the source, and not second later he had an armful of Jared. He hugged him close, burying his nose into his locks and inhaling. He saw him this morning and it felt like forever.

''You're here!'' Jared beamed at him. It was so strange for Jensen to look up at someone he was romantically interested in, but like everything else that's different about Jared, Jensen was loving it.

''I am,'' he smiled, and pecked Jared's lips. ''I'm taking you out tonight.'' He reluctantly moved away from Jared and opened the passenger door for him. Jared threw a hurried ''goodbye'' over his shoulder and got in.

''Where are we going? Don't you have to work?'' Jared was asking but the lack of care was obvious, he was so enthusiastic about a night out with Jensen that he didn't want to give a thought to work or anything else.

Jensen felt guilty. ''It's kinda work related.'' At his words Jared's slumped down, the disappointed ''oh'' he let out almost hurting Jensen physically.

''It's a party. We're celebrating our new deal with Tom Welling's Co.''

Jared didn't speak.

He glanced at Jared, and seeing the forlorn expression his face had morphed into, Jensen decided this was not a conversation to be had while driving. Unless he wanted to kill them. He eased the car to a stop, and turned to face Jared completely.

''Jay? What's wrong?''

''It's just,'' Jared motioned vaguely with his hand, ''I've never been to one before,''

''How could that be? I never took you?'' He was surprised, Jensen was constantly invited to lots of parties and formal dinners, how could Jared spend eighteen months with Jensen without accompanying him to at least one of them?

''You took random girls.'' It wasn't exactly bitter, more resigned but it didn't appeal to Jensen one bit.

''It's not your fault!'' Jared hurried to add, ''I didn't want to go.''

''Do you hate formal parties?''

A pause, and then a small ''I don't want to embarrass you.''

''Jared, sweetheart, I wouldn't be ashamed of you even if you danced naked on the dinner table.''

Jared's startled laughter filled the impala, and Jensen's heart felt lighter.

''I don't have anything to wear,'' Jared said at last.

''That could be easily solved.''     

                                                                     

''I look ridiculous,'' Jared bemoaned from behind the security of their bedroom's door. They went crazy (mostly Jensen did) with their shopping spree, and bought Jared -according to him- enough clothes to last him till he died. Jensen chose them all, since Jared's sense of fashion was somewhere between an earthquake and a tsunami. He got his hair trimmed too.

Now he was hiding in their room with no intention of getting out, it appeared.

''Come on, sweetheart. It can't be that different from when you measured it _three hours ago._ ''

Jared stepped out of the room, and placed his hands on his hips, indignant. Jensen stopped breathing.

He dragged his eyes along Jared's -finally- properly dressed body. Legs for days were hugged tightly by black silk, narrow waist made prominent by the vest and a white button-down that was in perfect contrast with Jared's tan skin. Completed by a jacket and a tie.

He looked stunning.

''Jensen, say something.'' He was blushing, the effect of Jensen's heated stare.

Jensen licked his lips.''You look good enough to eat,'' he said truthfully. Jared and he never had sex, not fully anyway, they fooled around plenty. But never full on sex. Jensen didn't wait long to have sex in any of his past relationships, mostly because he didn't care, but he waited this time because he didn't want to pressure Jared into anything.

He was just now realizing how absurd this thought was; for Jared, they had been together for over a year, in Jared's version of reality they already _did_ have sex. Going to the party now was the last thing on Jensen's mind, and he wished he could leave it all and stay home, bury himself in the prefect body in front of him over and over till neither of them could move.

He took slow, purposeful steps towards Jared, fisted his hands in his newly styled locks and pulled him down; kissing him hungrily. Jared moaned and kissed back, instantly dropping his jaw to allow Jensen entrance.

Jensen groaned, using all his body weight to slam Jared onto the nearest wall and pin him there. Their tongues twirled around each other, both of them eager for more.

''We have to go.' Jensen broke away and Jared whined in protest, nuzzling Jensen's neck and leaving a trail of gentle yet scalding kisses there. Jensen tipped his head and attached their mouths again, and Jared happily slumped farther against the wall.

''We really should go,'' Jensen husked, his hands tightening their hold on Jared, actions contradicting his words.

''Okay, okay,'' Jared panted, then kissed Jensen again.

By some miracle, they managed to leave the house ten minutes later.

 

Jensen was used to the fancy settings, high ceilings and huge chandeliers, white walls and soft music, but Jared wasn't, and seeing his eyes widen at the decor, darting around with awe was the highlight of Jensen's evening.

He felt like a prince from a fairytale, taking his princess for a wonderful journey, showing her the world in a new light. Jared's amazed glances returned to him once in a while, and he'd gift Jensen with a shy, happy smile that would set his blood aflame and ruin his heart rhythm.

Jensen led them inside, greeting people he knew, and those who he didn't but they knew him. Shaking hands and faking smiles.

''Ah! Here's my man!'' A rough voice called and Jensen turned around, a somewhat genuine smile curving his lips.

''Tom! Good evening,'' He shook his hands and then motioned to Jared, ''This is Jared Padalecki; my boyfriend''

Jared smiled, and accepted Tom's extended hand. Jensen couldn't help but notice that Tom kept Jared's hand in his longer than necessary for a friendly handshake.

Tom let out a low, appreciative whistle as he looked Jared up and down. Jared blushed and fidgeted under the scrutiny.

''Where the hell have they been hiding you?'' Tom asked presumptuously. Jensen bristled.

Jared stepped closer to Jensen, whether to placate him or to hide his own discomfort, was anybody's guess. Jensen placed his arm around Jared's waist pulling him right next to him.

''If you'd excuse us,'' Jensen nodded and then marched away, dragging Jared along. They stopped about fifty feet away, and Jensen was breathing harshly now.

''Jensen?'' Jared's voice was unsure. Jensen turned to face him.

''Maybe this is why I don't bring you to these events,'' he said curtly.

''Did I do something?'' Jared sounded almost scared. Jensen shook his head, placing both hands on either sides of Jared's waist and drew him near. He took calming breaths feeling immensely better when Jared's hands settled on his shoulders.

''You're too gorgeous for your own good,'' Jensen whispered, ''I didn't think I'd react like this to someone hitting on you,'' he confided. Jared grinned cheekily at him, but he didn't answer, instead he started moving them around awkwardly. Jensen chuckled, understanding what his boyfriend was trying to do.

He slid one hand to the small of Jared's back, using the other to hold Jared's hand. Jared's seemingly ever-present blush darkened, and Jensen pulled him even closer. He moved them to the music, expertly leading them through the other dancing couples, swaying them with the rhythm. Jared laughed and Jensen joined him, enjoying their moment together.

Their dance was cut, shorter than both of them wished, when Jensen was called to discuss business. Despite that, it was the best party he ever attended.

                                                              

Light sneaked in, sunrays casting dots of yellow wherever they met a surface. Jensen groaned when they shone on his face. He pulled the covers higher; shielding himself against the offending illumination.

There were annoying sounds coming from his bathroom, the sound of flushing following them, and then he heard them again.

He jumped out of the bed, sleep bleeding away as his mind registered what he'd heard.

Retching.

''Jay?'' He knocked on the door gently. ''Jared, are you okay in there?''

Another gut wrenching sound answered him, and he yanked the door open. Making his way right to Jared and falling to his knees besides him.

''Hey,'' Jared greeted, voice hoarse.

''You're sick,'' Jensen said, dumbly.

''I told them the tacos tasted funny,'' Jared complained, then another wave of nausea hit him and he turned his head to the toilet and heaved. Jensen winced in sympathy.

Several dry heaves later, Jared flushed up. Jensen helped him to stand and to wash his face and brush his teeth, then he led him back to the bed. Jared collapsed onto the mattress, sighing heavily. His hair sticking to his nape and forehead, he was sweaty and pale, and Jensen wished to hell that he was the one who got sick instead.

''I'm getting you to a doctor,'' he announced, immediately moving to change his clothes.

''Jensen, I can't go anywhere, I'm still nauseous. And this is just a stomach flu.''

Jensen stared at him for a while, noting the wrinkles of pain between his brows, the thin line his mouth had morphed into; he couldn't not do anything.

''I'm calling Dr. Collins,'' He said resolutely.

Jared cracked one eye open, ''Does he make house calls?'' His throat was scratchy from all the vomiting and he grimaced.

''He is, now.'' Jensen claimed before he left the room.

Turned out Jared was right. Misha informed them that Jared had _viral gastroenteritis_ , and that it had to run its course, he just needed rest and fluids.

''You call me if he doesn't stop vomiting in two days, or if he can't keep fluids down for over 24 hours. If you suspect dehydration, or see blood in the vomit or the stool,'' Misha ordered.

''For today don't give him heavy food, stick to soup.''

Jensen nodded his head, making sure to memorize everything the doctor said.

''Anything else?'' He asked, Misha seemed to consider it for a minute.

''He's sweating so he's unlikely to develop a fever, if he does and it's lower than 104 degrees then that's in the normal range. You know how to handle it and you have my number.'' He then turned to Jared. ''Get well soon,''

Jared's answer was a weak smile and a barely audible thank you. Misha addressed Jensen again. ''If that'll be all, Mr. Ackles?''

''Yes, yes. Thank you very much.''

''No need to get up, I can see myself out,''

Letting out a relieved breath, Jensen settled back in his place; on the bed next to Jared.

They heard the sound of the entrance closing, and Jared looked at Jensen guiltily.

'' I'm sorry.''

''What are you apologizing for?''

''I ruined the weekend.''

''Oh, so you're telling me you actually _planned_ to spend the whole morning trying to vomit your guts out?''

Jared smacked him on his arm, and Jensen almost didn't feel it. He found himself incapable of not leaning down and planting a gentle kiss on Jared's sweaty forehead.

''I thought we would spend a great time together and now I'm stuck in bed,'' Jared whined. ''I hate being sick.''

''Serves you right for ditching me on Friday night to hang out with _Chad_ ,'' Jensen joked.

Jared didn't reply for a while, then out of nowhere a blush crept up his face and he started to fidget in his place.

''I...em...'' He broke eye contact and tried again ''I thought maybe we'd...go all the way tonight, but...''

Jensen eyes widened at the words, and he felt his cheeks heating up. ''Darlin', we have all the time in the world, you just focus on getting better now, yeah?''

Jared nodded, his lids already dropping shut. Jensen lingered by him for a while, and then made his way to the kitchen; Jared would be hungry once he woke up.

Jared spent most of Saturday drifting in and out of sleep; he thankfully didn't develop a fever, and by dinner time he regained his appetite and managed to drink two bowls of soup. Jensen stayed with him all the while, and on Sunday, Jared's friends came to visit. He was mostly alright by Sunday evening. Back to his goofy self and out of bed.

Monday night when Jensen came home, Jared was already asleep. It wasn't all that late, but Jared's recent ailment took its toll on him.

Jensen tiptoed around the room, changing into a t-shirt and sweatpants. He brushed his teeth, and made his way to the bed.

He tripped on something near the bed and stopped to look at it; it was Jared's sketchbook.

Jensen glanced back at Jared, sleeping peacefully on the bed, and made a decision. Taking a deep breath, he lowered himself to the ground, sat cross legged and opened the sketchbook.

He smiled as he leafed through it, page after page of stunning illustrations; places and people who he sometimes recognized and sometimes didn't were made to come to life over the papers. Some were only sketches, some watercolored.

The date of each sketch was near the lower edge of the page, as if Jared was keeping track of his improvement. He chuckled as he saw a sketch of younger looking Chad wearing a ridiculous duck shaped hat, he wasn't sure if he posed for Jared like this or if Jared had drawn this from his imagination. Either way, it was a damn sight.

Chad made several appearances, along with Sandy.  A woman who had the same eye shape as Jared was sketched on the next page and Jensen stopped to stare; it was Jared's mum. The date indicated that it was done three years ago, maybe Jared had been still welcomed home then.

Jensen swallowed, perhaps he had crossed a line by peeking through this as Jared had never offered to show him his art. Torn between respecting his boyfriend's privacy and satisfying his own curiosity, he ended up sitting on the floor for a while, simply gazing at the wall.

In the end, his desire to know more about the man he shared his bed with won over, and he went back to peer into the pages. One particular piece stopped him, he almost dropped the sketchbook down.

Drawn with painstaking accuracy, and colored with watercolours was none other than Jensen himself. Dressed in a coat that he didn't recognize and gazing down at a steaming cup of coffee. Jensen's jaw dropped.

He followed the lines with his eyes, every brush conveyed a care and attentiveness that wasn't there in the other paintings. Jensen marveled at the way his emotions were so clear, sitting alone on a cold rainy day, the lights and shadows were cast over his face to give a somewhat melancholic, lonely appearance. His eyes were out of focus and he seemed to be blind to all that was surrounding him.

He glanced down at the date. October, 12th, 2015.

This is when Jared and he had met for the first time. He felt a lump of emotions clogging his throat, and swallowing it down was impossible so he choked on it instead. Coughing and sputtering as he fought the sudden, yet overwhelming urge to flee.

He didn't remember this, couldn't distinguish the place; even though in his head he knew it was the cafe he frequented for three months to convince Jared to go out with him. He rubbed at his eyes, almost violent in his need to drive away the tears that were accumulating on their edges. He flipped through the rest of the sketchbook, purposeful, searching, hoping to see another version of himself that he wouldn't be able to identify brought to life by Jared's talent driven digits.

He desperately looked through the dates, one by one till he reached last month, and finally, just before he went completely insane, he found a sketch of him asleep, drawn with the same meticulousness as the painting he saw first. He was the one Jared drew the least, but looking at the two pieces, he could see the delicate precision in them. They seemed special.

He wasn't just trying not to feel bitter about there being only two drawings of him.

He went back to the one in the cafe, losing himself in the details, there was no other way to describe it, beautiful was the only word that came to his mind.

''I got a lot of praise for this one.''

Jensen jumped, the sketchbook falling out of his hand. Jared smiled at him.

''It's okay,'' he said, though from his eyes, Jensen knew that he didn't mean it.

''I'm sorry,'' he offered, feeling like a child caught being naughty.

''You could've asked.'' There was a hint of reproach in the words and Jensen winced at it, guilt already weaving its way into his chest.

''Jared, I'm sorry,'' he repeated, the apology feeling like ashes on his tongue, what's a word after you took an action? Sorry was never enough to cover anything, and yet he had nothing better to offer.

Jared shook his head, bangs flying in every direction, getting more messed up. It wasn't the time for it but Jensen's hands itched to tangle in them. Jared patted the place besides him then motioned to the sketchbook, Jensen understood. He picked it up and settled beside Jared.

''Jared...'' Jensen started, not really knowing what he'd wanted to say.

''I'm not angry, Jensen.'' Jared reassured ''It's okay, really.'' He smiled but it was shaky, Jensen pulled him in by throwing an arm over his shoulder, planted a kiss on the crown of his head.

Jared reached out for the sketchbook, opening it to the same painting Jensen had been staring at just a moment ago.

A nostalgic smile lifted his lips, his long fingers traced the lines on the paper, his touch slow and almost reverent.

''My professor,'' He started ''Told me that this is the best thing I've painted.''

Jensen gulped, his heart beat faster, louder.

''He told me that I've never done something so detailed,'' Jared raised his head, locked his gaze with Jensen. ''You know what he said then?'' Jensen shook his head and Jared went on ''His exact words were ''I'm glad you found something that's easy for you to paint,'' and he was right, this painting took so much time.'' His multicolored eyes were shining, their light threatening to blind Jensen.

''But at the same time, it’s never been easier to remember details. Jensen, I drew this from memory.'' His breath hitched at the end. ''I remembered your face, down to the last detail, these three freckles that are so close to each other they look like a really big one. And the way the light fell on the bridge of your nose or how...'' He took a breath eyes tearing, ''How I could never find the right shade of green for your eyes.''

Jensen grabbed Jared's arms and pulled him, embracing him as tightly as he could, he wanted to melt into Jared, be a part of him so he can always remember. Just like Jared memorized everything in him.

''Jared, I...'' _I'm in love with you_. He didn't get to finish, Jared sealed their lips together, kissing Jensen with a desperation that set Jensen's blood on fire. Jensen took over, pushing Jared down and spreading his legs, making a space for himself there. He plunged his tongue into Jared's mouth, licking its insides with a hunger he'd never felt before.

Heat pooled in his belly, sweat dripped down his neck. Jared tasted sweet, like something stolen, and Jensen went crazy. His hands sneaked below Jared's t-shirt, thumbs pressing into heated skin. Jared moaned at the contact, muscles quivering wherever Jensen touched him; beautifully responsive.

Sliding his hands up, Jensen cramped Jared's shirt under his armpits; baring his chest. Jared was skinny, but even so his lean form was subtly sculptured; muscles' lines just barely there. In complete contrast of Jensen's beefy arms and thick thighs, Jared appeared almost fragile.

Jared's pink nipples were tight and inviting and Jensen leaned down to flick his tongue at one of them, his moves grew more confident, more insistent when Jared whimpered. Jensen lavished the hardening bud with his tongue and teeth, kissing his way to the other one and giving it similar attention. With each drag of his hot tongue, Jared's body arched towards him, asking for more.

Jensen went farther down, lapping at the soft skin on Jared's belly, dipping his tongue in his navel. Jared's hands curled in his short locks, holding on for dear life as Jensen nipped and bit on his tempting flesh. He nosed at the waistline of Jared's shorts, asking for permission. Jared tensed underneath him and Jensen pulled back.

''Jay?''

Jared was panting, flush high on his cheeks and his chocolate colored strands were stuck to his neck and forehead. He was looking at Jensen from under his lashes, so coy and tempting Jensen had to take a breath. He opened his mouth to ask again, but Jared sat up, long arms extending towards Jensen. Jared clutched at the hem of Jensen's t-shirt, tugging at it till Jensen complied and took it off. He then gripped at Jensen's arms and drew him in, kissing him hesitantly.

Jensen broke the kiss but didn't move away allowing his hot breath to fall on Jared's kiss swollen lips. Jared licked at them and the tip of his tongue caught on Jensen's mouth causing him to groan at the unintended erotic gesture.

''I want you,'' Jared finally said. ''All of you, Jensen.'' His voice was low and sweet, sliding down Jensen's spine like hot molasses. Jensen nodded; hands moving down to rid Jared of the last article of his clothes, leaving him completely naked under his hungry gaze.

Jared shifted, blush going darker as he let himself be looked at. Jensen was losing his mind, the kid was robbing him of every last thought, his brain cells being fried from how hot Jared was like this.

Vulnerable and willing and so utterly submissive.

Jensen couldn't wait any longer, he moved back and yanked his sweatpants, he extended his arm and opened the drawer by the bed; hand searching for the bottle of lube he knew was there. He hesitated on the condoms, not sure where they were on the matter.

''I'm clean,'' Jared whispered, growing even redder. Jensen smiled down at him, it was himself he was worried about, more than Jared. ''I know you are too,'' Jared told him, staring directly into his eyes. So Jensen threw it to the side, it wasn't sensible worrying about it now anyway. Not after the numerous times they blew each other without protection.

It was just that somehow, this was more intimate, more real.

Jensen lubed his fingers, slowly massaging up and down the crack of Jared's ass. Jared let out a strangled sound, hands clutching at the sheet under him.

''I...'' He swallowed, locking his gaze with Jensen's ''Please be gentle, I haven't...done this...'' His breath were growing harsher, like it took him more effort to breathe, and Jensen waited for the _in awhile_ that should follow Jared's admission but it never came. Jensen assumed it was because it wasn't necessary, not because Jared was a virgin, because there's no way he dated Jensen for over a year and stayed a virgin.

Jensen opted to let it go for now, he nodded at Jared and circled his hole with lubed fingers. Gently, like he was afraid Jared would break, he inserted the first digit inside, both of them moaning at the feel. Jared was burning up, hot and so _tight_ , Jensen had to grit his teeth. He pushed his finger till it couldn't go farther, and pulled it out; repeating the movement multiple times until he was sure he could add another one.

A few minutes later, Jensen had three digits inside of Jared's asshole. Circling them and scissoring, making sure to hit Jared's prostate every once to hear him whimper and moan. Jensen's patience was wearing thin, sweat dripped down his temples. With a final brush against Jared's sweet spot, he pulled out, closing his eyes at the way Jared's wall clamped down on his fingers, as if trying to keep them in.

He helped Jared lift himself up and placed a pillow under the small of his back, trying his best to ensure Jared was as comfortable as he could be. He lifted Jared's legs and positioned himself between, head of his dick lining up with Jared's entrance.

Jared took the initiative, hooked his legs around Jensen's hips and pulled him in, nudging the first inch of Jensen inside. He hissed at the intrusion, but he didn't close his eyes. Hazels locking with green as Jensen breached him inch by inch. When Jensen's balls rested against the swell of Jared's ass they let out a long exhale. Both of them shaking, Jared from the burn of the penetration and Jensen from the exertion of holding back.

He didn't know he closed his eyes until he felt Jared's hand on his cheek, his soft plea soaring Jensen's heart.

''Look at me, Jen.''

Jensen complied, lashes fluttering as he opened his eyes and took Jared in. Jared's enigmatic eyes were shining, dark lashes wet with unshed tears.

''I want to be selfish for tonight,'' His voice was hoarse, and Jensen felt a tug at his heart. Something was wrong. He felt it for a long while but never as acutely as now. '' I'm so sorry, but I want to be so selfish, Jensen.''

Jensen nodded, he knew it was hard because he didn't remember, and maybe Jared wanted them to pretend that Jensen did. He grabbed at Jensen's face with both hands, drawing him a little bit closer.

''I don't want you to think about the past,'' Jared sobbed, tears breaking free, falling over the swell of his cheeks. ''I'd give anything- _anything_ \- to not remember, too. Jensen, please let this be our first time,'' he hiccupped. ''Our first meeting in the hospital, our first kiss on that couch, Jensen. Please, just _please_.''

Jensen's heart was bleeding, but he'd do this for Jared, he'd do anything for Jared. So he didn't ask. Just latched his mouth to Jared's and kissed him with everything he was, trying his hardest to convey all his feeling through this desperate kiss.

Their lips broke when Jensen's hips snapped in, pulling back almost entirely out and thrusting inside again. Jared screamed, his arms looped around Jensen's shoulders and he held on as Jensen thrust into him.

Jensen's balls slapped against Jared's flesh, Jared moaning louder as Jensen's rhythm went faster. He kept scratching at Jensen's back, hands grabbing, pulling, urging Jensen on. Jensen lapped at Jared's throat, sucked right over his pulse. Bit where his shoulder met his neck, Jared keening and whimpering beneath him.

The headboard slammed against the wall in time with Jensen's hips, the sound obscene and hot, mixing with the creaks of the bed and their moans and groans. It was spiraling out of control, building up inside them both. Jensen felt something like fire inside his gut, mounting up and burning him from the inside out. His vision blurred and his thrusts went sloppy, out of rhythm. Jared's hips were matching him, getting a frenzy edge to their movement and Jensen felt Jared's orgasm a second before his hit, Jared's ass squeezing his cock so exquisitely, milking him till the last drop.

He caught himself on his forearms so he wouldn't smother Jared. Jared's arms and legs still wrapped around him like steel, even when he could feel them tremble.

''Sweetheart?''

''Don't pull out yet. Stay inside, Jen.''

Heart thudding like thunder in his ribcage, Jensen complied. He wound his arms around Jared's torso and hugged him, feeling the frantic beat of Jared's heart against his. They held on for a long while, till Jensen killed all his doubts, till he decided that he didn't care.

Why keep being hooked up over the possible bitterness of a past he didn't recognize when the present was so sweet?

He slipped into slumber trying to convince himself of that, Jared's weight settled over him and for now, the storm that raged inside his soul was calmed down.

                                                                  

After that, nothing changed but everything did. It came subtle, something that Jensen felt he wasn't supposed to notice. Like Jared was trying too hard to please him.

They had sex a lot, and it was good, so good. Jared denied him nothing, surrendered himself to Jensen's pleasure, trusting Jensen to take care of him, and Jensen was a generous lover. He gave as good as he got. Their couplings were raw and passionate, more often than not bordering on desperate. Jared was insatiable, like he couldn't get enough of Jensen.

And sometimes when they were laying together, Jared's head on Jensen's chest, and Jensen's hand petting his hair; Jared looked resigned, like he was soaking as much as possible before he had to give it up.

Jensen tried his damn best to prove that _them_ was forever, that Jared had nothing to fear. He soothed with long embraces and gentle kisses. But no matter what he did, some nights, he would still wake up to Jared's poorly muffled sniffles, his shaking back to Jensen as he tried to mask his cries.

Jensen acted like he didn't know.

The days went on, and before he knew, six months had passed since his accident. And despite everything, every nagging fear and his looming past; Jensen was happy with Jared.

His mind made up, Jensen called his office and announced that he was taking the day off. Danneel sputtered a little but gave up easily enough. Perks of being your own boss, Jensen mused. It was a fine cool Monday, and Jensen thought it was proper that today was the twelfth of October. Their somewhat anniversary.

Jared was out with his friends and it gave Jensen enough time to go on his planned errand. It took him less time than he thought to buy rings and have them engraved, he stared at the sappy line inside the identical rings and grinned. Nerves were swimming in his stomach but his heart was flying over the clouds.

He was going to propose to Jared.

His phone went off and Jensen pulled it out of his pocket, frowning when the ID informed him of his caller.

''Dr. Collins?''

'' _Good afternoon, Mr. Ackles. Are you free to visit today?_ ''

Jensen swallowed, it didn't sound urgent but no one wanted to receive a surprising call from his doctor.

''I can be in the clinic in half an hour,''

_''Excellent.''_

The call went dead.

                                                                                              

''You're doing really well,'' Doctor Collins commented, as he peered down on the CT-scan images. Jensen was scheduled to have another imaging at the request of Misha Collins. Jensen complied, but he wanted to know why the doctor had asked for another CT-Scan.

''Mr. Ackles, it seems that we misjudged the damage from your accident, these images show nothing,'' the doctor said.

''Meaning?''

''I asked for another scan because of your amnesia, the last one showed some damage but honestly, I thought the pictures weren't clear enough, and when I checked with the technician he told me that they had some problems the day of your previous scanning,''

Jensen was losing patience fast. ''Please get to the point, Doctor.''

''Our previous assessment was wrong; your memory loss is not a result of actual brain damage, merely the shock of the accident. Which makes it possible for you to remember.’' Collins smiled at him, expecting him to leap from happiness at the news.

Jensen left his chair so fast his head span, hands shot forward to grab blindly at the doctor.

''Don't,'' his voice trembled, ''Don't tell this to anyone.''

''Mr. Ackles, confi''

''I mean it!'' Jensen nearly shouted, ''Don't even think about it when your alone!'' He shook the doctor, trying to make him see how important this was. Collins bobbed his head up and down, and Jensen released his hold, the doctor slumping back into his chair.

He didn't stay, marching out of the clinic as fast as his legs would carry him. His heart was screaming, and he knew, sure as anything, that something bad was going to happen. He felt the wrongness in the smoke twirling around in his head.

He didn't want to remember.

He stayed out longer than he planned to, driving around the city aimlessly. He ended up at the cafe he met Jared in, his boyfriend had showed him the place in one of their outings. He didn't know what compelled him to go in but he did. He sat at the table he recognized from Jared's painting, asked for coffee. If anybody knew him no one showed it and before he sensed it, he had spent two hours staring blankly at his cup. He didn't drink it, left some bills to cover his order and the tip. 

The door opened before his hand reached the knob, Jared wide eyed at the entrance, worry etched into every line on his face. Just seeing him made Jensen's heart flutter.

"Jensen! Are you alright? I was so worried! What happened? Where were you?" 

Jensen didn't answer, allowed himself to just look at his lover.

"Jensen, you're scaring me!" Jared's voice wavered. At that the spell on Jensen was lifted and he spurred into motion. Arms going around Jared's waist and crushing him into his chest, Jensen hid his face in the place where shoulder met neck, inhaling big gulps of Jared's sweet fragrance. Jared's arms came around him; big hands clinging to the cloth over his shoulder blades.

''Jen?''

''Don't be scared, sweetheart,'' Jensen murmured. ''I'm okay,'' He answered one of Jared's questions. Jared nodded against him and Jensen stepped back, taking one of Jared's hands and leading them to the living room; where he sat Jared on the couch and stood beside him. Jensen braced himself, took a deep breath, and kneeled down near Jared's feet. Alarm was showing on Jared's face, so Jensen took both of his hands in his and kissed their back.

''I love you, Jared.'' Jared's eyes turned into saucers, lips opening and closing around air. Jensen clasped a hand on Jared's mouth, preventing him from answering.

''Not yet, sweetheart. Don't talk.'' If Jared talked now, he would turn Jensen's world to dust. Jensen had woven these hopes so painstakingly slow; he wasn't ready to have their threads cut.

''And I know I don't remember anything, but if I had spent one day with you, then I loved you back then, too. 'Cos that was all it took, sweetheart.'' He swallowed, forced himself to keep eye contact even though the swirling colours in Jared's eyes were making him dizzy.

''I'm yours, every version of me there was or will be. Whether it's this Jensen or the one on the other side of the memory lane. In whatever world, whatever reality. I'm yours.'' Jared's kaleidoscope eyes were watering, wetness gathered on their sides. Jensen lost it, he pulled the small navy box and thrust it into Jared's hands, and Jared swallowed thickly.

''So I want you to be mine, too. Marry me, Jared?'' More than a question, it was a plea. And how fitting was it for Jensen to beg when he was already on his knees?

Jared's face lost all colour, a tear slid out. Two, three and Jensen read the rejection on his face, in the way his sobs were not happy, but dejected and guilty.

Guilt. And fuck this emotion but it was always hiding in Jared's eyes, on his lashes and on the edges of his smiles. Guilty, Jared was _guilty_ , and Jensen didn't know why.

''Don't answer,'' Jensen ordered, harsher than he intended. He gentled his voice for both of their sakes. ''Not tonight.'' With delicate moves, he framed Jared's face with both of his hands, thumbs wiping at Jared's wet cheekbones.

''You don't owe me anything, Jared. You can say no,'' His words were like nails, hammering into his heart with perfect accuracy. ''You can say no, and nothing will change, I'd still want you, sweetheart. I'll still love you. We can stay like this, for however long you want.''

Jared nodded, then threw himself at Jensen, arms tight around his neck. Jensen clutched back at him, pulling him as close as he could, wishing he could absorb Jared into himself, keep him prisoner inside his ribcage so he could never walk away.

That night, Jared burrowed himself as close to Jensen's chest as humanly possible, his hands fisted in Jensen's shirt and his nose on Jensen's throat. Jensen held him, inhaled his scent, and closed his eyes.

Then everything rushed back.

Memories.

Three years worth of them.

And Jared wasn't there.

 

On a fine spring day in April, Jared lost his job. His boss, like many other men in positions of power, was a complete asshole, and no amount of pleading -yes Jared fell that low and begged- convinced him to give Jared another chance.

Without a job, it was only a matter of time before his life would go to ruins. He hadn't been able to find a place in the dorms so he shared a shitty apartment with other three guys, who would be entitled to kick him out if he wasn't able to pay his share for they were as broke as he was. Jared's friends, Chad and Sandy, couldn't help either.

Sandy was in the same boat, working as a housekeeper for rich bastards to keep a roof over her head. Much like him, she shared her place of living with others, who wouldn't accept him crashing there for more than one night.

Chad lived with his bitchy sister, who wanted to kick her little brother out and was looking for an excuse. Jared wasn't about to give her one.

He was about to go to class when his phone rang, CHAD was flickering on the screen and Jared sighed. His friend was calling him each five minutes to make sure he was okay, and Jared appreciated the concern but nothing was likely to change in five minutes.

He picked up anyway.

'' _Dude! I have the solution to all of your problems!_ '' Was excitedly shouted into his ear before he even said hello.

''I'm not modeling naked to my classmates no matter how high the pay is,'' Jared answered coolly. Because no matter how desperate he was, he so wasn't going to stand butt-naked in front of everyone he knew.

 _''That idea was good,''_ Chad protested _''but not why I called you. My break is in an hour or so, drag your ass to the hospital.''_ With that Chad closed the line. Jared sighed, his friend could have a good suggestion even if he was _Chad_. So he apologized to his teacher, and left for the hospital.

He should've known better than to build up hopes on Chad. Fuck.

''No way!'' Jared stomped his foot, completely realizing what a childish move that was and not caring one bit.

''Why the fuck not?'' Chad huffed.

''It's stealing and lying and most definitely _illegal_ , and that's only for starters.''

''Jared, don't be an idiot. This man has more money than he can spend, and Sandy is his housekeeper, she can help you into his house/life,'' Chad pushed.

''Sandy is in on this?!'' Jared asked, incredulous. As if on cue, Sandy walked into the hospital cafeteria. Jared stood up, followed her with his eyes till she was near, and then:

''Tell me you're _not_ serious,'' he almost pleaded.

''I actually think it's a great idea,'' Sandy told him, cool as you please. Like they weren't planning on deceiving a sick man into believing he was in a relationship with Jared. Fucking hell.

''He fired me just before his accident, and I haven't returned his key yet. I can give it you, I know his phone password. And everything about his previous one night stands. Everything you need to know to be his boyfriend.''

''You're crazy!'' Jared shouted, drawing all the eyes to him. Conscious of the attention he was needlessly attracting he made a mental note to lower his voice down.

''Jay-man,'' Chad started, and he was using his reasonable voice. ''This guy, he has no one. Had his secretary listed as his emergency contact. He, literally, is a lonely bastard, you could take care of him. Just till you get another job, break up with him or something,'' Chad dismissed.

''There's a million reason why this won't work. How would I explain not being his emergency contact if we were oh so close?'' Jared mocked.

''I told the doctor that you had a fight''

''You what?! You already mentioned me? What the fuck Chad!'' He was shouting again, and both of his friends hushed him.

''I set the stage for you, even asked if his amnesia is permanent before I called you. Everything is under control.''

''He's not going to fall for that. I mean, you've seen the guy, Chad. How does someone like Jensen Ackles end up with someone like _me_ ?'' Chad gave him a blank look as if to say _Seriously?_ ''And even if he did buy it, he'd want sex at some point and I've never...'' He trailed off, feeling his cheek heating.

''So you never had butt sex before, big deal. You were crushing on him ever since he walked into your shit hole of a workplace,'' Jared opened his mouth to protest but Chad held a hand up and continued ''And not like you can find a hotter guy to take your V-card. Ackles is hotter than hell, and richer than the president. Who's better?''

Jared remained silent, because that was the best answer for someone as unreasonable as Chad. He wasn't going to do it, he won't deceive that sweet man who smiled at him so brightly on a shitty day.

''Think about it,'' Chad told him ''If you agree, be sure to go stay at his side, he's in room 431. And tell us so we can move your shit into his place.''

Jared wouldn't even consider it, screw Chad and Sandy. He thought she was a nice girl, what the hell was wrong with his friends.

He didn't go home, stood in the lobby for the longest time. He wouldn't have another chance to breathe the same air as Jensen any time soon so he decided to go see him. On a whim, he bought flowers, even though he needed the money. But he felt like apologizing to the man after the way his friends talked about him.

Jensen's room was empty, not a sign of visitors and Jared’s heart ached for him. Sandy used to chatter about Jensen, more so after she saw the painting of him in Jared's sketchbook, so he knew that the only people who cared about this man were no longer alive.

He dragged a plastic chair and sat down, taking in the gorgeous man for the first time in almost two years. Jensen hadn't aged a day, still looked like the most beautiful thing Jared had ever seen.

''You wouldn't remember me,'' He started, then laughed at his choice of words. ''Not because of your accident, you wouldn't have remembered me anyway.'' He stopped for a moment, thinking of what he'd always wanted to say to Jensen given the chance.

''I met you in that cafe you would never have set a foot in if it weren't for the rain and your car. You were the first person who greeted me like I'm _someone_ in that shithole.'' He smiled as he used Chad's name for the place. ''You called me _sweetheart,_ '' he swallowed. He was so pathetic, everyone called waiters or waitresses that, it didn't mean anything. ''It wasn't leering or rude like when others said it, you smiled so bright when I brought your coffee, even if you didn't drink it later.''

He didn't know why he was sitting there, talking to the unconscious man, but he wanted to and it felt good to finally say these things to him, even if Jensen couldn't hear any of it.

''I used your ridiculous tip to buy watercolours,'' he chuckled a little at the memory, remembering trying to give the money back to Jensen but not making it. ''I used them to draw you, you know.'' His eyes were tearing up, and in a move that was purely self-indulgent Jared grabbed Jensen's hand, being careful  not to jolt the IV-line.

''I used to imagine what it would be like if you continued to show up, I imagined that you liked me. Pretty pathetic, huh?'' He stared down at Jensen and for just a second he thought about Jensen going alone to his apartment, with no one there for him to lean on. He rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand and stood abruptly. Making his way out of the room, he was not coming back.

''Jay-man! You came,'' Chad was too happy about it.

''And I'm leaving, I'm not doing that to him. I can't.'' He felt the exhaustion of the past days crush down on him, and suddenly he wasn't strong enough to deal with Chad.

''So take the flowers with you,'' Chad said. ''What would we tell him if he saw them?''

''Tell him it's the secretary, whatever,'' Jared snapped. He was about to walk away when he remembered he left his back bag on the floor next to the bed. He stood there for a moment, then turned around and opened the door.

His heart leapt to his throat.

Jensen was awake.

Jared stood frozen in spot, staring dumbly at Jensen.

''Ehhh...'' Jensen started, and he looked at a loss as what to say. And somehow that made Jared move. He wanted to bolt but he threw himself at Jensen instead, only then realizing that Jensen could've died. At Jensen's pained hiss, he pulled back, apologizing sheepishly. He felt a blush creeping up his face and he was mortified, but Jensen smiled at him. A beautiful kind smile that Jared felt helpless against.

It was then that Jensen broke his haze completely.

''Who are you?''

Jared felt sick, heart falling down into the pit of his stomach and he barely got his name out. He should leave, should just apologize to the man now that there wasn't too much to apologize for apart from an awkward hug. But when Jensen cleaned his throat, his eyes were pleading. And more than that _scared_.

It all spiraled to shit after that, because when Jared opened his mouth what got out was only lies. He had the time to think about it when the doctor came in, but Jared's mind was zoomed in on Jensen, taking in his stress. Jensen had no one. It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair for either of them, but Jared convinced himself that this was for Jensen too, he would take care of Jensen. Would be there for him.

It's only because Jensen was scared.

Only because Jensen needed someone.

This was for Jensen.

Jared fed his lies to Jensen, one after one and Jensen ate it all up. Swallowing down the poison Jared was pouring them both. Jensen was so sweet, he tried to comfort Jared, he actually believed him and wanted to _comfort him_. Jared was the worst person on earth.

He couldn't help the tears that welled in his eyes, and Jensen seemed to be at a complete loss at the sight of them.

''I'm so sorry, Jensen. I'm so, _so_ sorry.'' It was such an empty, meaningless thing, because even when he was repeating the words ''I'm really sorry'' he knew he wouldn't call the lie off.

''Hey, Jared.'' Jensen called to him, and hearing his name said so tenderly made his heart swell. He looked at Jensen, and swore he fell in love with him right there. When Jensen opened his arms and invited him in.

Jared didn't deserve it, but he allowed himself to be held by Jensen. All the while telling himself that this was for Jensen too.

''It's okay, Jared. We'll be alright, you'll see.'' Against his better judgement, Jared believed him.

Jared allowed himself to be lulled into a sense of security, after he saw the way Jensen reacted to seeing his apartment, the joy on Jensen's face every time he took in something that was Jared's. Jared told himself that at least part of this was worth it for Jensen, too. He broke only once, and did something he promised himself not to do. He fell into the fantasy, asked Jensen to call him sweetheart.

He could tell by the way Jensen's lips formed the endearment that Jensen meant it, that he looked at Jared and saw someone deserving of being loved. Jared soaked it up like a sponge.

So days passed, the reminders of his lie were few and far in between, and Jared made the mistake of getting used to it. He got used to Jensen popping up to pick him from his classes, to their lazy kisses and shared meals. To the addicting feel of being held in Jensen's arms. He told Jensen that everybody loved him, and he took solace in the fact that that lie was completely for Jensen's benefit. But Jared wanted people to love Jensen, to look at him and see the amazing person he was.

What he felt with Jensen was new to him on every level, not only was he emotionally attached to the older man but he wanted him, and he saw the want reflected in Jensen's eyes whenever he cared to look deep enough.

Jensen's want was different; all consuming and burning and yet gentle, enveloped with something so much mellower than lust.

Jensen loved him.

It was when he realized this fact that his guilt returned.

He acted needy and clingy, demanded Jensen's attention even when he knew he didn't have the right. And Jensen gave in to him.

When he wanted to go back to work, Jensen helped him and supported him, suggested that he worked as a freelancing artist. The job would've been impossible, but Jensen introduced him to various people who later got to be Jared's first clients. Jensen was building him up, developing him into an independent person, helping him grow.

In return Jared lied to him every passing second of the day.

His guilt ate at him. What was only a small, black seed in his heart thrived, turned into a tree, and the branches cut through his chest. He was falling apart from the inside, and he was helpless  to stop it.

He didn't want to tell the truth, even when he did.

Jared was stuck, trapped by the web of lies he wove on his own, when everything shattered he wouldn't be the only one to walk on the pieces; Jensen's feet would bleed, too.

In more ways than one, it wasn't just a lie anymore. Jared loved Jensen.

With everything that he was, he loved Jensen so much he was willing to take the guilt, willing to suffer through his bleeding conscious screaming at him to let Jensen go.

Until Jensen fell down to his knees and asked him to marry him. Jared knew then, that he had to leave.

After all, how truthful can his love be when it was built on a lie?

                                                                            

His world was falling down, the house he built from hopes and dreams, breaking apart brick by brick.

Jensen looked back, through days and days and days; meetings, screaming at his employees, smoking, sleeping around. He waited for the moment Jared described, for the revelation that his meeting with Jared had been. So sure that he'd stumble upon it through the memories.

It never came.

The meeting Jared talked about was nothing but a pink fantasy, it smelled like flowers and was soft and bubbly. Cotton candy. And just like the desert, it melted, was just as blown, when it was, in reality, nothing but a grain of sugar.

His day at that cafe wasn't a life changing event, just another day in a list of endless ones. He called Jared sweetheart because he thought the kid was cute, he left the ridiculous tip because he didn't have change with him and didn't want to wait around till they gave him the rest of his money. He wanted out of the place as soon as possible, and when he did leave, he never gave it another thought.

The moment that Jared painted, the man that Jared memorized the details of, was nothing but a child's dream, and he realized how different they looked at that day. While it was nothing in Jensen's memory, Jared had treasured it.

Jared had used it to lie to him.

And where did that leave Jensen?

He looked back to every moment he'd spent with Jared, with his new perspective it made sense, why they had no pictures, why no one had heard of Jared. Why Jared kept crying at night, apologizing.

He turned around, eyes falling on Jared's sleeping form. He was facing Jensen, his chocolate hair was spilled over the white pillow like a waterfall of brown silk. His thick lashes resting over the swell of his cheeks, and his pink, kissable lips were parted; letting in shallow breaths that indicated deep slumber.

Deception had never looked so beautiful.

Everything he lived with Jared crushed into him, smiles and kisses and passionate nights. Laughter filled home and warm meals. Was it all a lie? In Jared's reality, how did they look, what were they? He wondered.

 

_''I'm so sorry, Jensen.''_

_''Everybody loved you,''_

_''You were the sweetest, Jensen.''_

_''Kiss me,''_

_''Take care,''_

_''Be back for dinner?''_

_''I want you. All of you, Jensen.''_

_''Please be gentle. I haven't...done this...''_

_''I'm so sorry, but I want to be selfish, tonight.''_

_''I'd give anything -anything- not to remember, too. Jensen, please, let this be our first time. Our first meeting in the hospital, our first kiss on that couch, Jensen. Please, just please.''_

_''Jensen...''_

_''Jensen?''_

_''Jensen!''_

_''Jen?''_

_''Stay inside, Jen.''_

He closed his eyes against the burn of tears, but what he saw was the cause for the dam to break.

 _Every version of me belongs to you_.

He engraved those words on the ring he presented to Jared. And he had meant them, God help him, he still did. Even remembering everything, or maybe even more so for remembering everything; the truth of the matter remained that he couldn't live without Jared. What he had before Jared wasn't a life. With Jared, he's better; loved.

Even if part of it was not real, it was better than what he had.

He couldn't control his falling tears anymore, and a sob wracked through him, his shoulders shook.

''Jen?'' Jared's voice was thick and sleepy.

Jensen wanted to reassure him, tell him to go back to sleep, but the only thing that came out of his throat was a strangled gasp.

Jared bolted up, pushing the covers and placing his hands on Jensen's cheek, eyes widening in alarm when he felt their wetness.

_Is this real, Jared? How much was a lie and how much was not?_

''Jensen, what's wrong?''

Jensen swallowed, trying to get his breaths under control.

''Is it a bad dream?'' Jared's tone sweetened, gentled and it was a dagger in Jensen's heart.

''The worst nightmare I've ever had,'' Jensen choked out. Jared drew him in, wrapping himself around Jensen and tucking him close. He planted butterfly kisses over the crown of Jensen's head, trying to comfort him.

The most damned thing; it worked.

''It's over now, you're awake, love.'' Jared whispered, and Jensen nodded against his chest, finally bringing his arms around Jared. He clutched him hard, ignoring the hiss of pain he elicited from Jared, he could at least have this.

''I love you so much, sweetheart.''

And Jensen meant it, with every ounce of his being, every cell in his body. It hurt to hell and back, but he couldn't let go.

 

A week later Jensen woke up to an empty bed, he groggily dragged himself to the bathroom. When Jared woke up before Jensen, he'd usually be in the kitchen. Jensen relieved himself, brushed his teeth, then took a shower.

He strolled out of the bathroom and to the closet, already sorting out the clothes in his head deciding what he wanted to wear.

Jared side of the cupboard was empty.

There was a moment where Jensen would've sworn his heart stopped beating. Jared's things were gone. Not only his clothes but _all_ of his belongings had disappeared. Jensen searched the apartment, all the rooms and lastly the place he was afraid to look into; his office.

He simply didn't want to see his desk without Jared's picture on it, he didn't imagine being able to even glance at the desk without it there.

He was surprised to see that it was still there. Jensen walked in almost like sinner would walk into a church; reverent and sacred. Something was twisting up inside of him and his heart was aching.

He stared hard and long at the picture, wondering why he and Jared never took one of them together. He'd at least have something of the past six months to keep for himself. Something caught his eye and he put the picture back down, his hand shook as it made its way to the familiar object.

The ring box.

Beneath the small casket, there were two things placed one above the other, Jensen guessed it was the way he was meant to go through them. The first was an envelope, with only his name written on it.

Jensen opened it, unfolding the several papers that were inside.

He read through them, it was a letter from Jared; in it, Jared had written everything, how his friends helped him and how he decided to play the game.

His housekeeper; Sandy. Jensen recognized her once he regained his memory, he had fired her the day before his accident. If his accident was only a day later, Sandy would've returned the key and Jensen would have missed his second chance to know Jared.

_In the end I want to say ''I'm sorry’'. I know that words are empty, they don't fix anything, but they're the only thing I could offer. It might have started as lie, but believe this, Jensen. I never meant to hurt you. My love for you was real, and that's why I had to leave. If I loved you any less, I would've stayed._

_Yours in every version._

_Jared._   

Jensen placed the paper beside the velvet box, eyeing the last item Jared had left him. A sketchbook.

When he flipped through the pages, Jensen eyes watered. The sketchbook was filled with paintings and sketches of him.

Different positions and different settings. Asleep, awake, angry, happy, or just staring blankly; Jared had captured a hundred expressions and some more. The accuracy and care in each line, in each brush stroke spoke volumes about the artist, conveyed how dear to his heart his subject was.

Jared wasn't lying, Jensen knew before he saw the sketchbook; he was able to feel it on Jared's tongue when they kissed, taste it on his skin. Sense it in the way they made love.

He closed the sketchbook. Snatching up the ring box and his keys, he hurried towards his car. Only one person could tell him where Jared was.

                                                                             

Jared had plans to wallow in self pity for the rest of the weekend. Sandy and her roommates had a trip and so he was welcomed to crash in for the three days they were away. He had enough money to rent a place, or to go back to his old living arrangements. He just didn't have the energy to go outside and deal with the world yet.

He switched the TV off and flipped to his stomach, one leg hanging from the edge of the worn out couch that he was currently lying on.

He jolted when he heard a knock on his door, followed by what could only be called banging. Jared had no desire to move, or live in general, but he specifically wasn't in the mood for Chad.

This was all his fucking fault.

He straightened himself, sitting upright and looked around. He was stalling and he knew it, he didn't want to deal with his friend.

''Door's open!'' He shouted. Jared leaned forward; resting his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands. He heard the steps coming closer, and he groaned.

''If you talk about Jensen, I swear to _God_ ,'' Jared threatened.

''Well, too bad. I'm here to talk about him, specifically.''

Jared whipped his head around, jaw dropping as his eyes fell on Jensen; wearing his costly clothes and a cocky grin and standing there in the middle of the crappy apartment. Nothing looked more out of place. He walked around the couch till he was facing Jared, and God help him, it hadn't even been a whole day, but he missed Jensen so much he felt his soul singing at the mere sight of him.

Jensen pointed to the space beside Jared with his head. ''May I?''

''Of course,'' Jared hurried to say. He didn't know how to deal with a Jensen that knew the real him, the one who knew about his lies.

''Why are you here, Jay?''

Jared blinked, looked around the room and then back to Jensen, he distinctly remembered waking up and feeling crappy so he wasn't dreaming. But then Jensen called him Jay, in that sweet voice he used when the moments were tender.

''Haven't you read my letter?'' he asked. It was the only explanation. Because he didn't have the right to listen to Jensen's baritone voice anymore, didn't deserve the privilege of breathing the same air.

''I did,'' Jensen confirmed; green eyes boring into Jared. Jared swallowed, what was he supposed to say?

''Didn't you mean what you wrote?'' There was no mistaking the part Jensen was enquiring about, and Jared had only one answer to that.

''I never meant anything more.'' This was unfair, Jensen following him here only to rip his heart out; he was bad for deceiving Jensen, but this punishment was too cruel. Couldn't he just get away with no final confrontation? Wasn't suffering being hated by Jensen, being away from him, torture enough? His throat clogged up and he could feel the tears accumulating, ready to rain down.

''Hey now, don't do that,'' Jensen chided lovingly, and Jared couldn't take the tone. He started to cry, tears trailing hot, salty paths on his cheeks. Jensen's brows furrowed, his own eyes shining in compassion with Jared's. Jensen cupped Jared's face, thumbs caressing over his cheekbones.

''Shhh. Don't cry, sweetheart,'' Jared closed his eyes at the endearment, shaking hands lifting up to wrap around Jensen's wrists.

''I knew since last week, Jay. I remembered.'' Jensen said, and Jared's eyes shot open.

''Then why...why didn't you say something?'' Jared's windpipe was hurting, his voice scratchy.

''Because I meant what I said that night. Every version of me, the me from now or the one on the other side of the memory lane, I love you anyway.''

Jared choked. ''Jensen…''

Jensen leaned in close and rested their foreheads together, ''You left, sweetheart. You told me the truth and you left. That was all the confirmation I need.''

Jared's sob was half disbelieving laughter as he stared into Jensen's eyes.

''Do you love me?'' Jensen asked him, and dear God Jared did.

''I do. I love you, so much,'' he croaked. Jensen kissed him, and it tasted like salt, because Jared was an idiot and he was crying still. Jensen broke the kiss and pulled away, lowering himself into one knee, he extracted the now familiar box, and held it out to Jared. Jared's heart beat mile a minute.

''Then,'' Jensen opened the box and presented the ring to Jared, Jared was honestly trying to stop crying but he couldn't.''Marry me?''

In answer Jared bobbed his head, and then flung himself forward. Jensen tried to catch him but Jared's weight pushed him onto his ass. Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared and pulled him up against his chest, breathing him in. They were both laughing like idiots at the way they ended up tangled on the floor.

''Is that a yes?'' Jensen asked, grinning cheekily at Jared.

''Yes,'' Jared breathed. Then attached their lips together in a kiss that was the sweetest either of them ever had. They traded kisses for a while, Jared draped over Jensen's lap and clinging to his neck. Jensen then hooked one arm under Jared's knees and lifted the other higher over his shoulders, he folded his legs and squatted. With one fluid motion he stood up, and Jared whooped at the motion. He ended up cradled like a princess in Jensen's arms.

''I didn't know you could do that!'' Jared laughed, Jensen started walking towards the entrance.

''Liar, I carried you million times,'' Jensen retorted.

''Yes. But carrying me while I'm standing and lifting both of our weights from the ground is a different matter!''

Jensen hummed and pecked Jared on the lips.

''Impressed?'' he whispered.

''Very.'' Jared sealed their lips again.

''My stuff...''

''Your dearest friend, promised to bring them to the apartment when I was torturing your location out of him.''

Jared laughed, breathy and bright. And all was good in Jensen's world.

''Come on, sweetheart. Let's go home.''

 

End.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, please let me know what you thought!. You can find me on tumblr [HERE](https://nisaki-chan.tumblr.com/)


End file.
